Long ass entry....

Have anyone ever asked you to do them a favor that you really didn't want to do? Have they ever tried to guilt trip you into giving them something or to give up something for them? That's what Justin is doing to me, trying to guilt trip me into giving up something for him. He told me he loved me. I just wish I didn't have to do stuff for him to love me. He expects him to love him unconditionally, believe in him, and trust him but he doesn't love me unconditionally, believe in me, or trust me.
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And he told me I was being a cock-block again when I really ain't trying to be. I just really wanted to see him again. Now that he's tranfering to Lewiston drug court I'll never see him again. There was only one time I thought I would see him again and he wants me to give it up. He wants me to give up my only chance of seeing him again for the rest of my life to the girl across the street who lives as close to him as I used to and can see him every day if she wanted to. I don't have that anymore why does he have to take it away. I'm "supposedly" his best friend (yeah he says I am now) yet he doesn't want to hang out with me, what's up with that? He'd rather hang out with that stupid Amanda girl that he has no chance with because she has a boyfriend who's black and she likes black guys. Justin might like to pretend he's black but his skin color doesn't match his personality. It's not fair! Him trying to guilt trip me into giving up my ticket. I mean I really want to go, it's Green Day, but if he really doesn't want to take me then guess I can lay home in bed and cry all that night about how my best friend deserted me after asking me to go a month beforehand. Deserted me for a "hot girl" that he's trying to buy. I mean he already has me and he knows it so he's gonna keep putting other people in front of me until I tell him I can't take it anymore and flip out on him someday. Some best friend he is. I thought he was geting better.... acting more like the good friend I deserve. It's not fair.
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I just really hate it that I'm not "hott" enough for him to want to take me. If I was a "hott girl" then he wouldn't have even asked me to give up my ticket. First he tried to guilt trip me by asking really nicely and saying "you know I love you right" well if he really loved me - even as a friend- then he wouldn't be asking. His grandmother bought the tickets for me and him, not for him and Amanda the "hott girl" next door. I should mean a little something more to him then she does but I guess I don't. How can she mean anything to him at all? I've been there for him for so long and he just goes and replaces me with a pretty face. I hate my life. I hate boys. I hate Justin. I hate it all and yes Kyle I am a coward and want to take an easy way out but I know I can't. I thought so hard about cutting today. I was really upset. I mean he wasn't even mean about it. He asked me! But he guilt tripped me and made me feel bad about saying no. He goes "think about it ok Tiffy" all sweetly like that and I swear if I had been looking at him I know I would have given in. It sounded like his eyes were all wide and longingful, which always gets me. I was so happy about going too. I was all bragging to everyone that I was gonna get to go and my little sister hates me over it. If I don't get to go I will feel like such a fucking lozer worse then I already do. I mean I feel like a lozer now imagine how I'll feel when Justin is at the concert with that slut and I'm home alone crying into my pillow holding Jimmy and curled up in Justin's blanket missing him. I mean Green Day is great but what I really wanted was to spend the time with him. Seeing them play Kyle's song together. Kyle's two best friends seing a band play his song live. It's perfect to make me miss Kyle while I'm with Justin.
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Ohmygod "Scars" just came on the radio. It's "our" song if anyone doesn't know. It really is, he says so too.
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What he's doing to me isn't fair. He always does this to me. What does it do for him? What does he actually get out of hurting me? He probably doesn't even realize it hurts me so much. The fact that he's choosing somebody else over me always hurts me, specially now that he's admitting I'm his best friend. Now it hurts double. Before it just hurt because I liked him so much but now it hurts because he's my best friendand I'm his. I've been getting ove him a little at a time but I always figured he needed me. I know he needs someone stable in his life to love him and I wanted it to be me but he keeps on hurting me over and over and thinking nothing of it. Why is he like this?
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Anyways I've decided I'm not gonna call him or IM him for a week to see if he even notices. He always forgets my phone number so he won't be calling me, and he never remembers to sign on AIM so he won't IM me either. I'll just go about everything else I have to do. I'll get all my homework done and I'll hang out with my other friends. Like tomarrow I'll go to the movies with Nick and Jen and then I'll hang out with them. Monday I'll go to school and the Edge and then counseling, then home to do homework before I get online to write in my blog - since that's all I can do with this gay ass computer, But hey at least I can do that! Tuesday I'll go to school, work, home to do homework and watch One Tree Hill at 9. Wensday - School, nite school (speech on Justin, oh great!), homework, sleep. Thursday - school ???? depending on how I feel by then I might call him and see if this week was his last week or was it the week? If it's this week is his last week in Augusta drug court then I might go to the court house to see him before running to work again like I've had to for the past two weeks. It's only been two weeks since they told him he has to stay in the Augusta system for a month so he'll probably be in Augusta ( I hope) and I don't want to not see him just cause I'm mad at him. I won't purposly miss that being my last chance to see him since he's not taking me to the concert anymore. Or at least doesn't want to so I'm not gonna make him. Great now "American Ideot" is on the radio.So anyways I'll ignore him for the next 4 days and part of Thursday. I won't call him or anything, (hopefully) make him wonder if anything's wrong with me. He probably won't even notice though, or maybe he'll even be happy that I'm not bugging him anymore. I seriously hope that's not the case but ya never know. Maybe he'll be like "hey she's not calling me, maybe that means she doesn't want to go and he'll offer her the ticket without me saying it's ok or anything. I don't want to forse him into taking me to the concert.I'm gonna be really dissapointed and depressed for a while but I'll get over it and him eventually. Sitting her right now I don't even feel like I love him anymore and that in itself is making me cry ( well my eyes are filling up). He is such a huge part of my life. Everything I do has to do with him. I go to school so I can use the phone and computer to talk to him. I go to the edge because he used to go there. Have I even wrote down that story? I don't think so. Anyways the reason I started going to the Edge was cause Jaylyn was doing breakdancing and told me the instructor was cute so I went to check it (him) out. When I got there I saw Justin and was like "the cute neighbor boy comes here", he was playing Yu-Gi-Oh cards. That's like when I met him too. Everyone knows the story of the first time I saw him. Not exacally love at first site but still.... I saw him walking down the hill with Elena from the bus stop ( I barely knew Lana then either) and he was carrying a big duffle bag (It, I guess had all his wrestling stuff in it, from when he used to do that kind of stuff). Anyways when I saw him I was all "damn that boy is cute!" The next day he must have had team practice so I walked with her from the bus stop and asked who that cute guy walking with her was and she was like "Who Justin?" and laughed at me. I was like "I don't know his name that's why I'm asking. But yeah that was the first time I saw him. Cindy had takken me to Kyle's house once after I had first moved in on Stewert lane cause she was Kyle and I met Elena. I actually met Steve-O first when Cindy liked him, then Kyle and Elena, and then finally Justin and Kevin. I don't really remember much about Kevin from back then. The farthest thing back about him I remember is him dating Crystal Abbott. I remember when her and Cassie moved in after Steve-O left. I remember Justin and Steve-O would have knife fights. They would use Will's huge knifes and like sword fight. I remember that. I remember getting kicked out of Kyle's house cause I brought alcohlol and stuff. Kyle says his mom was only mad cause I didn't offer her any lol.
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Oh my god. I went back in my old diary and the first time I talk about Kyle is Jan 9th 2003 and the first time I talk about Justin is Valentines Day '03. Ohmygawd, that is so cool. It just kinda says I have a crush on him and he lives out back but it's still cool...... Oh my gosh again. On February 24th I write that I can't see spending the rest of my life with Justin lol. Ah, the good ole' days. Oh.... I was suisidal and said in my will in my diary that Justin wasn't allowed to come to my funeral. That's sad... I crossed it out though. Justin can come to my funeral if I kill myself any time soon. Hopefully that won't happen. I am still a little suisidal but not as much as I used to be by a long shot! On Feb 27th 2003 my friend Barbara called Justin a name and I was like "ya know I'm getting sick of her. I really like him" lol. That was nothing compared to what people say about him now and I still have to stick up for him. March 5th 2003 I fell in love with him according to my diary so I've been in love with him for 2 years yesterday! Two years 5 hours and 25 minets now. That must have been the day after he got into the fight with Ray Hamilton. I didn't even know Ray then. Oh it's all in here cool.
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I left for at 6:33am for the bus. When I got to the end of the neighbors poarch (ya know the yellow house at the end of stewert lane) I heard someone say "Tiffany" (he called me by my real name then I guess) I turned around and Justin was coming down his stairs. I waited for him and we walked to the bus stop together.On the way there he told me about how he beat up this guy Ray Hamilton (like I said I didn't even know Ray then) and he kept pretend punching me and stuff and then he showed me this move where he sorta hugged me (I am such a dork) Oh I'm so in love! When we went to school he was one person behind me in the cafeteria line (I miss him being at school with me) Then I went to a table to put my food in my backpack (I used to put it in my backpack and go back to the lobby to talk to people and eat in homeroom) and he came over and sat down so I sat down with him. I like him so much. He was eating coffee cake. When Leola came in (aww, I miss going to school with her too) she saw me sitting with him, I went and stood in line with her and Justin went and sat with some of his friends......(I just talk about what happens in school).... (after the bus ride, we started walking home) Then we got to a little before Jonathan's old house (Steve-o's brother Nick's house at the time) and Justin stopped to talk to Steve and hipppie walked down and Alecia and her dog (when Alecia Blakely was dating Steve-o) Oh and Justin did the fake punching me thing again. Steve was talking to Alecia andI was bored so I kinda tugged on Justin's sleave and asked if we're just gonna stand in the rain and talk to Steve and he said yeah but then he said to Steve that we were gonna go and Steve told Justin to wait a secound and he'd walk with Justin. So then we all walked together, I just wanted to walk with Justin alone and then maybe... Anyway that didn't happen. Then mom took Nick to the docters and I went to the Edge but Justin wasn't there cause he was suppose to be locked (grounded) in his room. Then we went to pick up Sam from daycare and we went to Cumberland Farms so mom could get coffee and as I was walking out the door Justin and Kyle were there. Justin showed off. He's like "wanna see me beat up Kyle?" and then he pretended to. Ahhhh! (That was my entry in my diary about it, I was a dork huh?)
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March 6th - Justin moved to Cathy's for the 1st? time and I found out about Miranda and Justin.
March 21st - First time I see Donnie at Edge for breakdancing.
May 22ed - Justin moved back but he's dating Jessi now
July 4th - first time Justin actually hugged me ( first time I write about him is Valentines day and he first hugs me on independace day.... New Years Eve - I love holidays with him)
July 6th - I say that Justin has a "pretty good" singing voice. hahaha!
July 7th - I saw Justin at the library and he was happy. Later I saw him at home and... well it's personal but poor thing...
(ok wow I didn't talk about Justin again for 4 months - I liked Travis more.... I miss Travis)
Dec 8th - Justin had to shovel out his moms car and he came over and asked me to keep him company. Apparently he was wearing Spongebob boxers and when I walked to Cumby's with him he got me hott chocolate
Dec 25th - hahahahahahaha I said that this was the best Christmas ever lmfao. Nothing could top this last Christmas with Justin and Kyle and Kevin. NOTHING! Oh my gosh I remember something now.... bad things about the 2003 Christmas - MAtt was here and Justin ran away from home on Christmas Eve ("Scars" is on again)
Jan 6th 2004 - (found on my Bolt journal)Today I skipped science with Cindy and we were hanging out in the hall outside the catwalk waiting for Jaylyn to get out of math class. In the hall Travis came and put his arm on my shoulder and said, What's up my sista? lol. He's so cute and then at the same moment Justin came up to me and started talking to me about some math thing. I was in between my two biggest crushes!!!!!! I think I ended up kinda ignoring Travis though with Justin all talking to me taking all my concentration to hear him cause of my ear infection. Guess what happened yesterday at the Edge Josh Terrio pulled out one of those pipes by the computers and water got all over the internet DSL connector things so the computers there wont be working for a while which is why I am at the library using the computer now.
Jan 23rd - that's the first time........
March 5th - (Bolt journal) So we went to the edge and Cindy was sitting next to this hot guy named James Mitchell. Then I got on the computer next to Justin so I could do homework. Kiwi came over and kissed me on the cheek. Then she went over and kissed Kevin on the cheek and Justin goes what about me? and Kiwi goes over and kisses him all over his face. That was funny. In an IM to Bethie I wrote "<---Justin" and he just happened to be looking at my computer at that exact moment. And he goes why are you talking about me and I go because I want to. Lol. A little later he had to leave to go home and eat or whatever and I said if he came back and I was done my homework then he could have my computer. So of course he does end up coming back. But that was okay because I just pushed over and watched him play Runescape. I asked him a bunch of questions and stuff about it. You know trying to pretend I'm interested in what he's interested in. Then Kyle kicked Bethie off the computer and I was in between Justin and Kyle for like an hour asking questions about that game. My leg and his leg kept rubbing up against each other and we were talking like we were friends. That was really cool. Once he told me to slap Kyle so I did and Kyle goes your whipped and I go no I’m not. And then Kyle asked if I was a virgin and I was like yeah! Then he said something about being a slut and I was like I really don’t like being called a slut thank you very much and I stared at Justin and he gave me this like really cute I’m innocent type look. Then the edge was closing so everybody left and the cops showed up and Justin was like "Hello officer. No I'm not intoxicated" lol. When I got home guess who was there? Nick Gagne!! Ohmygod!!!! A lil later I was thirsty and wanted a soda and my mom said they were in the car so I went out to the car and Justin Kevin and Kyle were outside talking on the stairs. Kyle asked me to give him a blowjob and I was like no way and then Kevin did and I was like your dating one of my best friends. And then they started talking about having a contest on to whose penis was the biggest. After Kevin went inside. Kyle left and I just wanted to have five min to talk with Justin but Cullen who was outside to "get some fresh air" wouldn't leave us alone but I did eventually ask Justin if he really did call me a slut and he said no but I was being one he just didn’t call me one. Then his mom came out to get him and he hugged me twice. That was nice.

DAMN IT! Jen has my next diary in the series at her house. Next one I have is July 2004 - Oct 31st. Which starts out with my birthday party which sucked. Justin was in Iowa with Elena and Kyle was at the movies with Keri. I got in my computer for that birthday and ended up going to meet that Ryan/Brian guy (can't remember his name) and making out with him. He was really hott. But I felt dirty cause I was still all in love with Justin.
September 7th - BOMB THREAT! Justin is an ideot!
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My Narritive for speech class about the bomb threat:

On September 7th, 2004 there was a bomb threat at Cony and the whole school had to walk up to the vocational school field. That was really bad because it was a really hot day but what was worse was who did it. It was my best friend. He was at the golf range in Wellness 3 and he was showing off his new cell phone that he got the night before from his grandmother for a birthday present. He's always been the type to try to impress everyone and when one of his friends asked "hey can you call 911?" he goes "I don't know" so he dialed it and hang up quick. He tried it one more time and just hung up and then the third time his friend goes "Hey, say you have a bomb at Cony" and he did. He says he was "dared" and he's "not the type to back down from a dare" When we first heard of this I was in my first period English class with Ms Hardison. I was one of the stupid one who brought they're backpack with them Have anyone ever asked you to do them a favor that you really didn't want to do? Have they ever tried to guilt trip you into giving them something or to give up something for them? That's what Justin is doing to me, trying to guilt trip me into giving up something for him. He told me he loved me. I just wish I didn't have to do stuff for him to love me. He expects him to love him unconditionally, believe in him, and trust him but he doesn't love me unconditionally, believe in me, or trust me.
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And he told me I was being a cock-block again when I really ain't trying to be. I just really wanted to see him again. Now that he's transferring to Lewiston drug court I'll never see him again. There was only one time I thought I would see him again and he wants me to give it up. He wants me to give up my only chance of seeing him again for the rest of my life to the girl across the street who lives as close to him as I used to and can see him every day if she wanted to. I don't have that anymore why does he have to take it away. I'm "supposedly" his best friend (yeah he says I am now) yet he doesn't want to hang out with me, what's up with that? He'd rather hang out with that stupid Amanda girl that he has no chance with because she has a boyfriend who's black and she likes black guys. Justin might like to pretend he's black but his skin color doesn't match his personality. It's not fair! Him trying to guilt trip me into giving up my ticket. I mean I really want to go, it's Green Day, but if he really doesn't want to take me then guess I can lay home in bed and cry all that night about how my best friend deserted me after asking me to go a month beforehand. Deserted me for a "hot girl" that he's trying to buy. I mean he already has me and he knows it so he's gonna keep putting other people in front of me until I tell him I can't take it anymore and flip out on him someday. Some best friend he is. I thought he was getting better ... acting more like the good friend I deserve. It's not fair.
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I just really hate it that I'm not "hott" enough for him to want to take me. If I was a "hott girl" then he wouldn't have even asked me to give up my ticket. First he tried to guilt trip me by asking really nicely and saying "you know I love you right" well if he really loved me -- even as a friend -- then he wouldn't be asking. His grandmother bought the tickets for me and him, not for him and Amanda the "hott girl" next door. I should mean a little something more to him then she does but I guess I don't. How can she mean anything to him at all? I've been there for him for so long and he just goes and replaces me with a pretty face. I hate my life. I hate boys. I hate Justin. I hate it all and yes Kyle I am a coward and want to take an easy way out but I know I can't. I thought so hard about cutting today. I was really upset. I mean he wasn't even mean about it. He asked me! But he guilt tripped me and made me feel bad about saying no. He goes "think about it OK Tiffy" all sweetly like that and I swear if I had been looking at him I know I would have given in. It sounded like his eyes were all wide and longingful, which always gets me. I was so happy about going too. I was all bragging to everyone that I was gonna get to go and my little sister hates me over it. If I don't get to go I will feel like such a fucking lozer worse then I already do. I mean I feel like a lozer now imagine how I'll feel when Justin is at the concert with that slut and I'm home alone crying into my pillow holding Jimmy and curled up in Justin's blanket missing him. I mean Green Day is great but what I really wanted was to spend the time with him. Seeing them play Kyle's song together. Kyle's two best friends seeing a band play his song live. It's perfect to make me miss Kyle while I'm with Justin.
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Ohmygod "Scars" just came on the radio. It's "our" song if anyone doesn't know. It really is, he says so too.
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What he's doing to me isn't fair. He always does this to me. What does it do for him? What does he actually get out of hurting me? He probably doesn't even realize it hurts me so much. The fact that he's choosing somebody else over me always hurts me, specially now that he's admitting I'm his best friend. Now it hurts double. Before it just hurt because I liked him so much but now it hurts because he's my best friend and I'm his. I've been getting over him a little at a time but I always figured he needed me. I know he needs someone stable in his life to love him and I wanted it to be me but he keeps on hurting me over and over and thinking nothing of it. Why is he like this?
Anyway I've decided I'm not gonna call him or IM him for a week to see if he even notices. He always forgets my phone number so he won't be calling me, and he never remembers to sign on AIM so he won't IM me either. I'll just go about everything else I have to do. I'll get all my homework done and I'll hang out with my other friends. Like tomorrow I'll go to the movies with Nick and Jen and then I'll hang out with them. Monday I'll go to school and the Edge and then counseling, then home to do homework before I get online to write in my blog -- since that's all I can do with this gay ass computer, But hey at least I can do that! Tuesday I'll go to school, work, home to do homework and watch One Tree Hill at 9. Wednesday - School, night school (speech on Justin, oh great!), homework, sleep. Thursday - school ???? depending on how I feel by then I might call him and see if this week was his last week or was it the week? If it's this week is his last week in Augusta drug court then I might go to the court house to see him before running to work again like I've had to for the past two weeks. It's only been two weeks since they told him he has to stay in the Augusta system for a month so he'll probably be in Augusta (I hope) and I don't want to not see him just cause I'm mad at him. I won't purposely miss that being my last chance to see him since he's not taking me to the concert anymore. Or at least doesn't want to so I'm not gonna make him. Great now "American Idiot" is on the radio. So anyway I'll ignore him for the next 4 days and part of Thursday. I won't call him or anything, (hopefully) make him wonder if anything's wrong with me. He probably won't even notice though, or maybe he'll even be happy that I'm not bugging him anymore. I seriously hope that's not the case but ya never know. Maybe he'll be like "hey she's not calling me, maybe that means she doesn't want to go and he'll offer her the ticket without me saying it's OK or anything. I don't want to force him into taking me to the concert. I'm gonna be really disappointed and depressed for a while but I'll get over it and him eventually. Sitting her right now I don't even feel like I love him anymore and that in itself is making me cry (well my eyes are filling up). He is such a huge part of my life. Everything I do has to do with him. I go to school so I can use the phone and computer to talk to him. I go to the edge because he used to go there. Have I even wrote down that story? I don't think so. Anyway the reason I started going to the Edge was cause Jaylyn was doing breakdancing and told me the instructor was cute so I went to check it (him) out. When I got there I saw Justin and was like "the cute neighbor boy comes here", he was playing Yu-Gi-Oh cards. That's like when I met him too. Everyone knows the story of the first time I saw him. Not exactly love at first site but still.... I saw him walking down the hill with Elena from the bus stop (I barely knew Lana then either) and he was carrying a big duffle bag (It, I guess had all his wrestling stuff in it, from when he used to do that kind of stuff). Anyway when I saw him I was all "damn that boy is cute!" The next day he must have had team practice so I walked with her from the bus stop and asked who that cute guy walking with her was and she was like "Who Justin?" and laughed at me. I was like "I don't know his name that's why I'm asking. But yeah that was the first time I saw him. Cindy had taken me to Kyle's house once after I had first moved in on Stewart Lane cause she was Kyle and I met Elena. I actually met Steve first when Cindy liked him, then Kyle and Elena, and then finally Justin and Kevin. I don't really remember much about Kevin from back then. The farthest thing back about him I remember is him dating Crystal Abbott. I remember when her and Cassie moved in after Steve-O left. I remember Justin and Steve-O would have knife fights. They would use Will's huge knifes and like sword fight. I remember that. I remember getting kicked out of Kyle's house cause I brought alcohol and stuff. Kyle says his Mom was only mad cause I didn't offer her any lol.
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Oh my God. I went back in my old diary and the first time I talk about Kyle is Jan 9th 2003 and the first time I talk about Justin is Valentine's Day '03. Ohmygod, that is so cool. It just kinda says I have a crush on him and he lives out back but it's still cool...... Oh my gosh again. On February 24th I write that I can't see spending the rest of my life with Justin lol. Ah, the good ole' days. Oh.... I was suicidal and said in my will in my diary that Justin wasn't allowed to come to my funeral. That's sad... I crossed it out though. Justin can come to my funeral if I kill myself any time soon. Hopefully that won't happen. I am still a little suicidal but not as much as I used to be by a long shot! On Feb 27th 2003 my friend Barbara called Justin a name and I was like "ya know I'm getting sick of her. I really like him" lol. That was nothing compared to what people say about him now and I still have to stick up for him. March 5th 2003 I fell in love with him according to my diary so I've been in love with him for 2 years yesterday! Two years 5 hours and 25 minets now. That must have been the day after he got into the fight with Ray Hamilton. I didn't even know Ray then. Oh it's all in here cool.
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I left for at 6:33am for the bus. When I got to the end of the neighbors porch (ya know the yellow house at the end of Stewart Lane) I heard someone say "Tiffany" (he called me by my real name then I guess) I turned around and Justin was coming down his stairs. I waited for him and we walked to the bus stop together. On the way there he told me about how he beat up this guy Ray Hamilton (like I said I didn't even know Ray then) and he kept pretend punching me and stuff and then he showed me this move where he sorta hugged me (I am such a dork) Oh I'm so in love! When we went to school he was one person behind me in the cafeteria line (I miss him being at school with me) Then I went to a table to put my food in my backpack (I used to put it in my backpack and go back to the lobby to talk to people and eat in homeroom) and he came over and sat down so I sat down with him. I like him so much. He was eating coffee cake. When Leola came in (aww, I miss going to school with her too) she saw me sitting with him, I went and stood in line with her and Justin went and sat with some of his friends......(I just talk about what happens in school).... (after the bus ride, we started walking home) Then we got to a little before Jonathan's old house (Steve-O's brother Nick's house at the time) and Justin stopped to talk to Steve and hippie walked down and Alecia and her dog (when Alecia Blakely was dating Steve-O) Oh and Justin did the fake punching me thing again. Steve was talking to Alecia and was bored so I kinda tugged on Justin's sleeve and asked if we're just gonna stand in the rain and talk to Steve and he said yeah but then he said to Steve that we were gonna go and Steve told Justin to wait a second and he'd walk with Justin. So then we all walked together, I just wanted to walk with Justin alone and then maybe... Anyway that didn't happen. Then Mom took Nick to the doctors and I went to the Edge but Justin wasn't there cause he was supposed to be locked (grounded) in his room. Then we went to pick up Sam from daycare and we went to Cumberland Farms so Mom could get coffee and as I was walking out the door Justin and Kyle were there. Justin showed off. He's like "wanna see me beat up Kyle?" and then he pretended to. Ahhhh! (That was my entry in my diary about it, I was a dork huh?)
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March 6th - Justin moved to Cathy's for the 1st? time and I found out about Miranda and Justin.
March 21st - First time I see Donnie at Edge for breakdancing.
May 22ed - Justin moved back but he's dating Jessi now
July 4th -- first time Justin actually hugged me (first time I write about him is Valentine's Day and he first hugs me on Independence Day.... New Year's Eve - I love holidays with him)
July 6th - I say that Justin has a "pretty good" singing voice. hahaha!
July 7th - I saw Justin at the library and he was happy. Later I saw him at home and ... well it's personal but poor thing...
(OK wow I didn't talk about Justin again for 4 months - I liked Travis more.... I miss Travis)
Dec 8th - Justin had to shovel out his moms car and he came over and asked me to keep him company. Apparently he was wearing Spongebob boxers and when I walked to Cumby's with him he got me hott chocolate
Dec 25th -- hahahahahahaha I said that this was the best Christmas ever lmfao. Nothing could top this last Christmas with Justin and Kyle and Kevin. NOTHING! Oh my gosh I remember something now ... bad things about the 2003 Christmas - Matt was here and Justin ran away from home on Christmas Eve ("Scars" is on again)
Jan 6th 2004 - (found on my Bolt journal) Today I skipped science with Cindy and we were hanging out in the hall outside the catwalk waiting for Jaylyn to get out of math class. In the hall Travis came and put his arm on my shoulder and said, What's up my sista? Lol. He's so cute and then at the same moment Justin came up to me and started talking to me about some math thing. I was in between my two biggest crushes!!!!!! I think I ended up kinda ignoring Travis though with Justin all talking to me taking all my concentration to hear him cause of my ear infection. Guess what happened yesterday at the Edge Josh Terrio pulled out one of those pipes by the computers and water got all over the Internet DSL connector things so the computers there wont be working for a while which is why I am at the library using the computer now.
Jan 23rd -- that's the first time........
March 5th -- (Bolt journal) So we went to the edge and Cindy was sitting next to this hot guy named James Mitchell. Then I got on the computer next to Justin so I could do homework. Kiwi came over and kissed me on the cheek. Then she went over and kissed Kevin on the cheek and Justin goes what about me? and Kiwi goes over and kisses him all over his face. That was funny. In an IM to Bethie I wrote "<---Justin" and he just happened to be looking at my computer at that exact moment. And he goes why are you talking about me and I go because I want to. Lol. A little later he had to leave to go home and eat or whatever and I said if he came back and I was done my homework then he could have my computer. So of course he does end up coming back. But that was okay because I just pushed over and watched him play Runescape. I asked him a bunch of questions and stuff about it. You know trying to pretend I'm interested in what he's interested in. Then Kyle kicked Bethie off the computer and I was in between Justin and Kyle for like an hour asking questions about that game. My leg and his leg kept rubbing up against each other and we were talking like we were friends. That was really cool. Once he told me to slap Kyle so I did and Kyle goes your whipped and I go no I'm not. And then Kyle asked if I was a virgin and I was like yeah! Then he said something about being a slut and I was like I really don't like being called a slut thank you very much and I stared at Justin and he gave me this like really cute I'm innocent type look. Then the edge was closing so everybody left and the cops showed up and Justin was like "Hello officer. No, I'm not intoxicated" lol. When I got home guess who was there? Nick Gagne!! Ohmygod!!!! A lil later I was thirsty and wanted a soda and my Mom said they were in the car so I went out to the car and Justin Kevin and Kyle were outside talking on the stairs. Kyle asked me to give him a blowjob and I was like no way and then Kevin did and I was like your dating one of my best friends. And then they started talking about having a contest on to whose penis was the biggest. After Kevin went inside. Kyle left and I just wanted to have five min to talk with Justin but Cullen who was outside to "get some fresh air" wouldn't leave us alone but I did eventually ask Justin if he really did call me a slut and he said no but I was being one he just didn't call me one. Then his Mom came out to get him and he hugged me twice. That was nice.

DAMN IT! Jen has my next diary in the series at her house. Next one I have is July 2004 - Oct 31st. Which starts out with my birthday party which sucked. Justin was in Iowa with Elena and Kyle was at the movies with Kerri. I got in my computer for that birthday and ended up going to meet that Ryan/Brian guy (can't remember his name) and making out with him. He was really hott. But I felt dirty cause I was still all in love with Justin.
September 7th - BOMB THREAT! Justin is an idiot!
My Narrative for speech class about the bomb threat:

On September 7th, 2004 there was a bomb threat at Cony and the whole school had to walk up to the vocational school field. That was really bad because it was a really hot day but what was worse was who did it. It was my best friend. He was at the golf range in Wellness 3 and he was showing off his new cell phone that he got the night before from his grandmother for a birthday present. He's always been the type to try to impress everyone and when one of his friends asked "hey can you call 911?" he goes "I don't know" so he dialed it and hang up quick. He tried it one more time and just hung up and then the third time his friend goes "Hey, say you have a bomb at Cony" and he did. He says he was "dared" and he's "not the type to back down from a dare" When we first heard of this I was in my first period English class with Ms Hardison. I was one of the stupid one who brought they're backpack with them thinking this wasn't too big of a deal. It took everyone at least 45 minutes to walk up to the field. When I got there, the first thing I did was I started looking for him but I couldn't find him for the life of me. I had all my friends looking for him too and people, his friends kept walking up to me asking where he was cause duh... I was his best friend and I should know. I find out that his Mom was one of the many parents that day worried about their child's safety and was looking for him, that being the reason all of his other friends kept asking me if I knew where he was. His Mom was a bus driver then and heard over her radio that there was a bomb threat and everyone was at the vo-tech so she drove up there looking for him. In her car not the bus. It ends up that because he was in Wellness class he got a bus ride up so he was late getting there. Standing in the field with him and his mother he told our other best friend something in a whisper. I ask what he's saying and he says he'll tell me later when I get home. I kinda have a big mouth and he knows it. Plus I probably would have started crying right there and gave it away and he knew that too. We know each other very well. His Mom asked me if I wanted her to tell my Mom because only parents could come get you but at the time my mother had a broken foot and couldn't have come gotten me anyway. I wasn't scared anyway I knew it was all fake, it always is. His mother ended up driving him home, which meant that not only did he not have to walk up but he didn't have to walk down either. I ended up walking both ways and that was annoying. I walked up with my two of my friends and walked down with like five of my friends. One of the boys I was walking down with was like, Tiffy, I'm gonna tell you a secret. "It was me" he says, and I was like no it was a Freshman who didn't want their picture taken because it happened on picture day. I didn't think it could be one of my friends because I didn't think my friends were that dumb but then again I was sorta friends with the kid who brought the Cherry bombs to Buker in 8th grade. While we were walking down we saw a girl pass out from heat exhaustion. The boy who had joked that he had done it made fun of her. When we got back to school I think it was lunchtime, so I went to the cafe' still oblivious to the fact that it was my best friend that was the idiot who called in the bomb threat. I joked right along with everyone else about how the person was so dumb and a loser and it was all anyone could talk about for the rest of the day. That is until a little later in the day when another bomb threat was called in. This was also done by a person I know, a sister of one of my friends we all got dismissed and I had to walk home too. Her and three of her friends had gone to someone's house after the first threat and thought it would be funny if there was another one the same day or something. I get home and go to see him. At first he wouldn't tell me because I had another friend with me, but once she went home he told me it was him. I was one of the first two friends he told. First he told our other best friend and then he told me next. He told me that if I told anybody he would never speak to me again, ever! People on my AOL kept asking me was it him? I had to lie to even my best girl/friend at the time and say it wasn't. I even had to lie to my parents at first. We had planed to do so much better this year because we both messed up pretty bad last year and he messed it all up. He was going to help me out with my math and I was going to help him in English. He still had to help me in my math though even afterwards because I made him. It was kind of funny though because his Mom told him to find the person who did it and beat his ass and he was like um... Mom. This all happened 7 days before his birthday, because like I said the cell phone was a birthday present. It didn't even have any minuets on it. It was really a tracfone without minutes so the only number they could call was 911. The day after the "bombfest" as my English teacher calls it, I skipped the day to spend it with him to show him I still loved him even if he is an idiot. But the next day I went to school and I had to get my schedule all changed around so that I wouldn't have to go to Current Events knowing that he was supposed to be in that class with me. I felt really bad about it for the next week or so and he ended up just staying home all day and playing video games. He asked me if he goes to jail will I write to him and I was like of course. But he didn't end up going to jail. At least not real jail. He was put in Charleston for 48 hours once because he failed one of his drug tests. When the bomb threat happened he was already on probation (he took all the blame for him and a bunch of his friends beating up on an old car) but he got put on drug court too. Now he has to do community service and his cell phone was taken away (he still hasn't gotten it back yet). He has to go to AA meetings even though he's not an alcoholic and he has to take a drug test every Thursday. He also has a 5pm curfew and has been put on house arrest 3 times now. One thing that was funny was he quit his job on a Wednesday and the next day he was put on house arrest. The only way he was allowed to leave his home while he was on house arrest was to go to work but he quit. He can't enroll in any school in Maine, public or private. They wouldn't even take him at Hinkley because he's not stupid or anything. He's actually very intelligent if you can believe that. He's especially good with numbers. He can enroll in Cony again next year but he probably won't. He lives in Lisbon Falls for the time being and he wouldn't be coming to Augusta for school where everyone will know him as the kid who called in the bomb threat. He's not scared or anything, he thinks it's cool and brags about it cause he's dumb but I don't think it would be a good idea for him to go to the same school. Not that I wouldn't want him going to school with me, cause God knows I'll still be at Cony next year too. I'm a senior and should be graduating in June but I probably won't which is why I'm here in night school. I'd end up graduating the year he is supposed to have graduated. Yes, he was a junior not a sophomore like everyone was saying. One other thing I want to add that I think is somewhat funny. He dated the girl who called in the second one in October. Isn't that weird? I think so. By the way barely nothing has happened to her either. She's expelled. She was a freshman and one of three who did that one so they weren't as hard on them but he took all the blame for the first one even though his friend told him to do it. His friend was like an accessory or something but didn't get in any trouble. Anyway I don't think any of this compares to the whole stabbing thing that happened (last week, a couple of weeks ago, whenever I get to give this I'll update it). Comparing a fake bomb threat to a real stabbing. I would rather go with the fake bomb threat at least no one was really hurt. Well, I guess that's it.










September 9th - I stay home from school to show Justin I still love him and at night Justin steels half of OJ's joint and we got high. I was high all the way through 6th period the next day at school. Just so you know 30-18= (not 7). Lol if you're my friend you'll get it.
September 10th - I met Brett and got a buzz. Spent $20 for a birthday present for Justin which he smoked mostly with his cousin.
September 11th -- concert with Cora and Becca. They were sleeping over after and Cora had a joint. We started walking to my place and ran into Karma and Newcombe so we smoked them up. Then we walked up and went to Justin's. They were all high there too. Justin, Kyle, Kevin, and Brett.
September 12th - Justin's birthday party. More money down the drain for that boy. $47 in all. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY JUSTIN U BETTER LOVE ME FOR THAT!
September 14th - Justin's actual birthday and I met Kelsey.
September 21st - Justin started the roofing job.
September 23rd - Michaela....
September 25th - I thought I liked Kyle. This went on for 2 weeks till I gave up trying to get over Justin.
October 1st - Jaylyn's last day at Cony :'( and Justin's and at me for being a "cock-block" which apparently didn't hurt his game anyway because he still got with Kelsey. She's dumb anyway calling him ugly and immature and stuff when really she's the one who's immature. Grrrr! Justin worked the concert with me and the show sucked. We barely made any money. I think he's a jinx cause every time I had him work I didn't make much money. Anyway I got to hang out with him till like 2 in the morning running the streets and stuff.
October 5th-6th -- this was when Justin says I became his best friend! He knows what happened..... it was funny though cause at one point he asked me what it was about him I used to love (I was over him at this point, or at least telling myself I was) and I go "what does it matter it won't make any difference" and he goes "it might make me feel better about myself" aww that was so cute. He said he was glad I was over him because he didn't want to break my heart (he already had anyway) and I go "what should have happened is you should have fallen in love with me" and he goes "I'm too young to fall in love again" and that's not true. If he gave me a chance he could love me I know he could.
October 12th - OJ gets arrested for beating up on Justin and is not allowed 500ft around him.
October 24th - Justin cut again. Hypocrite! He gave me Jimmy this day! Justin kissed me on the cheek for doing the dishes and he goes "you get so flattered" I'm remembering it and it was so adorable!
October 26th - Justin kissed me (on the cheek again people don't get any ideas) for doing the dishes again but before he did he kept sticking out his tongue like he was gonna lick me. When he didn't I was like "good thing you didn't lick me. I'm wearing makeup" so he licks his lips and makes a funny face, lol. Then he walked me to the door and kissed me again (cheek) and goes "there's a bonus now get the hell out of here lol. I was already in the house way later then I was supposed to be. But that was so cute. I miss it.
October 31st - Gave Justin all my leftover soda from the concerts for a reward......... I'll never tell ... get that though out of your head pervert it was nothing
November 2nd - Justin's dating Crystal. Ilene is finally dating Chris Brown. Saw Donnie at the voting booths and voted for Kerry who lost. Stayed up with Kyle for a long ass time watching election coverage.
November 3rd - Kyle took over being my best friend. Justin told me "good-bye forever"
November 5th - Justin's dating Kelsey
November 6th - Justin dating both Kelsey and Alicia
November 7th - Justin and Kelsey break up so now he's only dating Alicia
November 8th - Justin was jealous cause I let Kyle read my diary but not him. Well, that's what he gets saying I'm not his best friend! Bought the boys pizza. Went to Luke's and watched Justin flirt with Alicia through the phone. Went to Kyle's with Justin but he had to leave at 9 so I walked with him home and got my Life As We Know it tapes and went back to Kyle's sister's. Hung out with him till 11:30. When I finally went back to Justin's he was all "Tiffy I waited for you" trying to guilt trip me again. He was all telling me how lonely he was when a few days before he had been yelling at me for being "always around." Oh my gosh this is also the day that when I was hugging him good-bye I go "you smell good" and he's like "that's cool cause I haven't bathed in a few days" and I'm like "ewww" But he did smell good he said it must have been his deodorant. He's like "Old Spice gets all the girls" lol.
November 18th - first Justin back massage and I sucked at it!
November 22nd - Justin told me I ruined his life (That's why "Save Me" by Unwritten Law is my song cause "Everything's my fault")
November 23rd - Luke's back in New York. Justin gets drunk and tells me that I'm his best friend and I shouldn't let people take advantage of me. Not even him and someday I'll find a guy who will be all kissing on me and I'll lose my virginity and this guy will hit me and abuse me because I'm so easily walked on. And when this happens I should call him up and he'll kick the guys ass. I'm so glad Justin has such confidence in my decisions. He was all telling me he knows he's an asshole and he's sorry and stuff. I tell him of course that will happen because only some asshole abusive guy would ever like me. Justin was all telling me what a good person I am and how I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me. All I could think was, THEN WHY DO U TREAT ME THIS WAY?
This was also the night he cheated on Alicia with Kelci in Uncle Shaw's car. He was already half an hour over curfew when I called Kelci's cell phone to tell him to get his ass home but he wouldn't listen to me. He never does! After he dumped all his friends off at my house he went home when Aunti Kim called my phone and he got in a fight with his Mom and took off with Brett to Winthrop. He told me "goodbye forever" again when he left and it hurt really bad.
December 2ed - Justin got sent to Charleston. Stupid boy!
December 4th - I go with Rose to pick up Justin from Charleston. I was so happy because after he walked throughout the metal detector the first thing he did was hug me. Even before he said anything to his Mom. But then later that night ... he ... well lets just say he was mean to me.
December 6th - I got depressed at Justin's house and was all sitting with my head down at in my arms and Justin was all sucking up to me and trying to be cute so when he saw me sad he came over and put his arm around me and asked me what was wrong. He seemed really sincerer and stuff. When 11 o'clock came round I just got up and left without hugging any of the boys goodbye. 11 was the company curfew. Kyle came out and talked to me. Cheered me up a little. Brett had been using my phone to talk to Christie so like 15 minuets later he came out with the phone, punched Gizmo in the head and hugged me goodbye. I sat outside talking to Kyle for about an hour then Elena and Guido showed up to get him so I hugged him goodbye and he left. I felt bad about not hugging Justin so I went and knocked on the door really quietly. He said it had made him sad that I hadn't hugged him before but I bet he didn't even notice
December 9th - Brett tells all the little girls down at the Edge something about Justin that I didn't even know.
December 13th - Justin says if I commit suiside then he'll commit suicide too because he'll feel like it's his fault and he'll see me in hell!
December 16th - Justin tells me that he got into a fight with his Mom because she thought we were sleeping together. Jeez, I wish!
December 14th - I "fake" ask out Alicia
December 20th - Alicia breaks up with me
December 21st - Big Crisis at Justin's......... he calls me a horrible friend ... he call up Leesha crying that he loves her ... later on I'm sitting at the kitchen table and he comes over and puts his arm around me and says "Tiffy your my best friend. I love you. Your so good to me" and I'm like "mhm" and he goes "I'm serious Tiffy I love you, your my best friend. I'm all like "what do u want" and he's like I don't want anything I just want you to know I love you" and in my head I was like yeah right. I hate it that he can only admit it when he's drunk that I'm his best friend. I mean I know he was lying about the who "I love you" thing but the best friend thing. Him saying it while he's drunk makes me think he's lying to me and I hate that! I gave him a back massage till he fell asleep.
December 22nd -- dating Alicia again and starts dating Justin again
December 24th - Party at Justin's. He told me he like's it when I'm obsessive about him and that it's a huge ego boost to him even though it's only me it still makes him feel good about himself. For him to know he has this immense power over me makes him feel good. Isn't that nice?
December 25th - Alicia breaks up with me again
December 30th -- back with Alicia
December 31th - She broke up with me.... AGAIN! New Years ******
Jan 2nd - Jessi showed up with Jen and ruined everything. Her official nickname is "the Hope-Killer" not that I had much hope to begin with but still it made it worse. Alicia hates her. Justin broke up with Alicia for Jessi.
Jan 4th - Jessi gets mad because Justin kissed Jen. I'm not that evil. I want him to be happy and he's obviously not gonna be happy with me... I feel bad about it. It's OK though cause she forgave him the next day and just told him not to do it again.
Jan 12th - Justin calls Jessi from my house, my bedroom and my phone! Well, he called using his mom's cell phone but she had to let a friend of hers use the phone and when she called back she called my house phone so yeah it made me kind of sad. I went out in Matt's truck and used my exacto knife....
Jan 13th - I don't go to school, so I'm not allowed company. I yell at Justin for using me all the time and shit and he goes home and gets drunk again. Starts fighting with OJ and comes to my house throughout the night. Of course I don't know any of this until the next day when I'm on my way to school. No one woke me up. Justin didn't want me woken up because we were fighting too. I still would have been there for him if he would have let me. He ends up first going to stay at his grandfathers in Weeks Mills then with his grandmother Cathy is Lisbon Falls which is where he is now.

Hey I'm done finally!!!!!!