Who's a ho?...Ho!... Mom's a ho....Ho!

My mom is a ho!..... I woke up this morning needing to take a shower.... Kevin asked if I could get us a ride and I said probably since I knew I would need a ride anyways because I would miss the bus taking a shower. After I took my shower and got dressed, brushed my teeth, popped a pill.... anyways I woke up my mom to give us a ride and she said she would. She got all dressed and then told me to wake up Rose and make her give me and Kevin a ride to school. She bitched and bitched and she's a ho. Bitchin at me about how I have no motivation to get myself anywhere and how she's not gonna drive me to school every day next year cause she's a ho and blah, blah, blah....
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Whatever, she's a ho.
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I told Kevin this morning that I forgave his brother and he goes "I know" and I go "How do you know?" and he goes "I predicted it." I told him how I didn't really want Justin to go away for 45 days with me getting bitter more and more everyday so that by the time he gets out I hate him. That would be horrible. Not to mention the fact that he wouldn't even know I was mad at him.... I can't believe he did it like he did though. He twisted it all around to seem like I was the one at fault and he should have been mad at me. I don't understand it.
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Wow, I feel sick again.....
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Headache and stomach ache and wow my head is like throbbing! My throat feels all dry and I have cotton mouth and feel sick to my stomach…. well this is always nice huh?
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Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin, Justin… wow I really am obsessed… he is such a loser, what is my problem?
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If you haven’t read my chat with Josh…. go read it!... j/k… I told Justin that I think I’m getting over him again and that I like someone new… I told him the someone new was Josh… Kyle’s cousin... at first I was thinking about someone else… but then I was like… no I can’t tell him that… and I do kinda like Josh… too bad about the whole girlfriend thing. Josh is like the 2nd sweetest guy I have ever talked to… Kyle being the first. When I told Justin that he goes, “What makes Kyle so damn special?”… Lol… I was like “I know he was your best friend first, but he’s my best friend too and I’m his best friend, because you can have two best friends”… and blah, blah, blah… I was positive at the time. Justin was like “you know he’s lying when he says that” and I go “Ya know what I don’t care because I love Kyle so much and he’s my best friend so I’m gonna believe him over you” … Justin is always teasing me and trying to bring me down anyways…
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Found this poem…. by Nikki (not my friend-I found it online)…reminds me of Justin:
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I am over you,
Until I look into your eyes.
I am over you,
Until you hold me so tight.
I am over you,
Until we starting talking about the past.
I am over you,
Until you say, "I wish you were nearer."
I am over you,
Until you kiss me on the forehead.
I am over you,
Until we start making plans.
I am over you,
Until we share a true honest laugh.
I am over you,
Until ... until I remember I’m not.
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Another poem, this one is by Claire Laws (online)…. reminds me more of Justin:
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You love to see his gorgeous face
Pictured in that holy place
His fantastic smile sets you on fire
Each time you see him you soar higher

He picks you up he puts you down
His happy face & his cute frown
He seems perfect in everyway
But something’s keeping you at bay

I see there's a problem you can't ignore
It's killing you, you are too sore
To forget his love & affection
You are stuck in this one section

He has found his true soul mate
Now I see that you're too late
Still in too deep you can't get out
He although has no doubt

She is for him; he is for her
You've got no chance to him deter
So it's all over, your happy days
Your heart broken in many ways
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A poem that reminds me of Nick… by Gina Morales

I have this little feeling
That is stuck inside my mind
So now whenever I see you
I begin to think you're mine
You said that you had felt this way
And I told you I had felt this way too
But now you like my friend (sister)
So what am I supposed to do?
I have just another little feeling
That doubts you ever liked me
But when I tell someone
They confuse all this with jealousy
I am not just mad
I'm afraid, hurt, and upset
Sometimes I just wish
That we had never met
It hurts to see you walk down the halls
Say hi, and wave
To the girl you find appealing
As I sit back and watch
Struggling to be brave
Then you say that you've been hurt before
But how could that be true?
Because when you're hurting me
You’re also hurting some part of you
Just sometimes I wonder how it would feel,
To meet the perfect guy
Then I realize I have met him
But his heart is just not loving mine
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Poem to remind me of Justin…. I know that you don't feel for me by Nicholas Gordon

I know that you don't feel for me
the way I feel for you.
We're good friends, I value that,
There's nothing you need do.

But as a friend I need to tell you
what is in my heart.
An unsaid truth is like a wall,
Keeping us apart.
My love for you will go nowhere,
Will just remain with me.
I'll hold it in my quiet arms
And feel it constantly.
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I don't know... I guess that's all for now... I don't know wahat else to say.
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45 days till I can see or even hear from Justin again... this is gonna be painful!
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And the fact that Kyle lost his job and might not be able to come up here makes it even worse... life sucks... I just want Kyle to hold me in his arms and tell me everything is gonna be ok... because it feels like the biggest lie in the world... but I trust Kyle and I love Kyle and he wouldn't tell me something he didn't beleive himself to be true.
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If I could turn back time... I wouldn't change a thing... but I want to choose my future... I hate leaving everything up for grabs... I wouldn't be so close with the boys if it weren't for everything we had to go through this past year... but still... ohgawd study hall is over... go to run to Freshman Academy and then to Math....